Saturday, October 30, 2010

I love Halloween! Don't you?

I believe that the last time I went trick-or-treating, I was 17. I dressed up and went with my baby sister, Hillary, because Nate and Annie were above those things. I had a great time just being a little kid again. It had been a couple of years since I had gone, but it all came back quickly: You hold out your bag of choice, say "trick-or-treat", and people (random strangers!) put candy in your bag. Amazing! How had I stopped doing this? Why on earth did I feel that I was too "old" to get free candy? Isn't it funny what a little peer pressure can do?

My two oldest boys do not trick-or-treat any more. My oldest, Marc, is 17, so I guess that's normal. But my next child, Patrick, just turned 12 and considers himself too old for such frivolity. I had to talk my 10 year old, PJ, into going with us and his sister. Is it just me, or are kids growing up much faster than they used to? I was still a "kid" when I was in high school. Now, your average 13 year old expects to be treated as an adult. (Of course, said 13 year old probably dresses like an adult, but that's a whole other rant!) When did that happen?

I miss my kids all dressing up. I wish I could still take group pictures of all 4 of them looking cute and excited before heading out for the evening. Before I know it, they will all be "too old" to trick-or-treat, and will be wanting parties thrown instead. In Danni's case, that might be best since I can then provide treats that are safe for my poor food-allergic child. But I will still miss that cute little girl that wants to dress up and tromp up and down the streets for food that she can't even eat, just so everyone can see her adorable costume.

I'm going to thoroughly enjoy the next few years with Danni, since PJ has already informed me that he wil NOT be dressing up in some inane costume next year. I am going to take all the pictures I can while I still have a child that just wants to dress up and enjoy this one day of the year that is all about being whomever you wish to be, whether that's a princess, a hero, a monster, or (creepiest of all) a clown. Then, I guess when my kids are wanting parties thrown at our house, I will finally get to be the house that is just a little too spooky. You know, the one with the music, the fog, the lights, and the extras that make your blood chill just a little...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I miss her

A few weeks ago, on September 29, I lost my Grandma Asher to a stroke. She was a wonderful woman who loved me in spite of my faults. I was not the best granddaughter. I didn't call often enough, or write often enough, but when I did, she was always happy to hear from me. On the rare occasion when I would call, she would always get on the phone with "Hello? Valencia? This is Grandma." in that voice of hers that always sounded a little unsure of itself. I loved to hear her voice and her laugh.
I think that in spite of everything, she had a good life. She was always on the go, even at home. I remember when I was staying with them for a few months after I graduated, she almost never sat down except to eat. She couldn't understand how I could sit and read for hours without getting up. She was always working, or cooking, or cleaning, or straightening, or just making sure that everyone in her family had everything that they could possibly need at their fingertips. I think that my Grandpa Asher might possibly have been the most spoiled husband on earth. And she enjoyed every minute of that spoiling. She was happiest in the kitchen in one of her aprons making coffee for everyone. (You want to see some people drink coffee, get the Ashers together. They'd make a Starbucks run out of coffee in a few short hours.) You see, she had the heart of a servant. You know, that heart of a servant that Jesus calls all of us to have? She was born with it. No one around her ever lacked for anything if it was in her power to provide it.
Since her death, I never leave my house without some piece of her jewelry on. When I did forget one day, I almost panicked. Will I forget her if I'm not wearing something in remembrance? Certainly not, but I have no control over it. My husband adored my Grandma, and she adored him. He was so distraught that he couldn't go to her funeral, but it was not possible for him to. My son Marc has many memories of her, as well. They were both so off-kilter while I was in Idaho, that they took it out on each other. After one argument, David went to our bedroom and slammed the door while Marc went out the front door and slammed it. He broke 3 panes of glass when he did it. They were going to keep it from me, but Marc called to 'fess up and apologize. Isn't it funny what grief does to each of us in different ways?
In the weeks since her death, I've found myself in tears quite often. The Sunday after I got back to Virginia, I attended the first Mass since her funeral Mass in Idaho. I cried almost the entire time. There are certain things that are constant in every Mass, no matter what it is being said for. Those similarities had me coming undone. When my son PJ called me from school last Wednesday in tears saying that he didn't feel good, I assumed he was sick. I immediately rushed to get him only to arrive and find out that he was heartsick. He hadn't seen Grandma since he was 5, but it suddenly hit him that he wouldn't see her again in this world. So I still signed him out and took him with me. We talked about it a little, and he started to feel better. I, on the other hand, felt my grief anew.
I've stayed very busy since I got home, and haven't had the time to just sit and remember. My subconcious has been very much preoccupied with Grandma, however. I dream about her funeral, although not always the one she had, almost every night. In my dreams, I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something. I wake up disturbed and regtetful that I was not better at keeping in touch while she was alive. I know that at some point, I will begin to feel more normal. I know that at some point I will only remember the good times we had, instead of the ones that I missed. I know that at some point I will stop crying at the drop of a hat. Until that point, I miss her.